Who Are You Today? - Rediscovering Yourself in Midlife

Our lives are often woven together by the roles we play—mother, daughter, wife, partner, coworker. But when was the last time you stopped and asked yourself, "Who am I today?" Not as a role, but as a person, an individual, separate from the demands of others. It's easy to lose sight of ourselves in the shuffle of life, and for many, midlife and menopause offer a powerful opportunity to hit pause and reflect on this question.

The Disappearing Act: Losing Yourself in Life's Roles

Many women experience a gradual erosion of their individual identity as they navigate through life's various stages and responsibilities. We often prioritize the needs of others – our children, partners, parents, or colleagues – at the expense of our own desires and aspirations. This selfless dedication is admirable, but it can lead to a profound sense of disconnection from our true selves.

The Roles We Play

• Daughter: Always striving to make our parents proud
• Mother: Putting our children's needs before our own
• Wife/Partner: Compromising our desires for the sake of the relationship
• Coworker: Adapting our personality to fit workplace expectations

While these roles are important and fulfilling, they can overshadow our individual identity if we're not careful. The question then arises: Who are you today? Are you ever truly yourself – not a mother, daughter, wife, partner, or coworker, but just you?

I Lost Myself Along the Way

I know this from personal experience. For years, I lost myself in relationships, adapting to the needs and wants of my partners while ignoring my own. It felt natural, even necessary, at the time. Being attentive to others made me feel useful and valuable, but it also led me further away from who I truly was. I let go of hobbies, personal goals, and the things that once made me feel alive. In essence, I forgot what it felt like to just be me. 

It wasn't until my 40s, after going through therapy, that I realized how lost I had become. I started to see that I had spent most of my life molding myself to fit the expectations of those around me. I was constantly filling the roles of caretaker, supporter, and fixer, while forgetting that I deserved care and attention, too.

Therapy helped me understand the importance of self-care and how prioritizing my needs wasn't "selfish." Even though that’s often the word used when women start to reclaim time and space for themselves. The truth is, it's the only way to keep our mental health intact. If we constantly deplete ourselves for others, we run on empty, and the inevitable crash comes in the form of burnout, anxiety, and a sense of deep dissatisfaction.

The Turning Point: Menopause as a Time of Reflection

Menopause can be an unsettling time, but it also holds immense power for self-reflection and transformation. As our bodies change, so do our priorities, whether we realize it or not. Menopause often forces us to slow down, and that can feel like a burden—but it’s also a gift. It's the perfect time to ask ourselves: Who am I today? Am I living a life that reflects my true self, or have I drifted so far into my roles that I no longer recognize the person I’ve become?

For me, the transition was gradual. It started with small acts of defiance, like saying "no" without guilt or setting boundaries where I had once left doors wide open. I began taking time for myself—really, truly for myself. I rediscovered passions I had put on hold, and I made space for activities that brought me joy. These were not grand gestures, but they felt monumental to me.

With every step, I got closer to feeling like me again, not the version of myself that others wanted or expected, but the authentic, unapologetic version. It wasn't easy, and it took a lot of unlearning, therapy, and support to get there, but it was worth every moment.

Embracing 'Selfishness' for Survival

We’re often made to feel guilty for putting ourselves first, especially as women. The word "selfish" gets thrown around like an accusation when we choose self-care as if tending to our own needs is somehow a betrayal of the roles we play. But the truth is, without taking care of ourselves, we can't be present for anyone else. We have to fill our own cup before we can pour into others.

In reality, self-care is survival. It’s how we keep going when the weight of life feels too heavy to carry. And midlife is the perfect time to recalibrate and make those "selfish" choices. Whether it’s carving out time to read a book, taking up a new hobby, or just sitting in silence with a cup of whatever you feel like drinking, these moments are acts of reclaiming yourself.

Here’s a quick summary of the key steps in my journey to reclaiming myself:

• The Journey to Self-Care: Understanding that self-care is not indulgent but necessary.
• Recognizing the Pattern of Self-Loss: Acknowledging how I lost myself in relationships and roles.
• Seeking Professional Help Through Therapy: Therapy became a vital tool in helping me reconnect with myself.
• Learning to Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries to protect my time, energy, and mental health.
• Embracing "Selfishness" as a Form of Necessary Self-Care: Redefining "selfishness" as a survival tool, essential for mental and emotional well-being.

Reconnecting with Who You Are Today

One of the most powerful exercises I did during my journey of self-discovery was to sit down and ask myself a series of questions that helped me reconnect with who I am. It wasn’t about identifying as someone’s mother, daughter, or partner—it was about me as a whole person, apart from the roles. 

Invitation To Explore

I invite you to take some time for self-reflection and answer some (or all) the questions below. These are some of the questions that I asked myself and continue to ask myself. Give yourself permission to prioritize your needs and desires, even if that feels uncomfortable at first.

1. What do I truly enjoy doing when no one else is watching?

   - Think about hobbies, interests, or activities that you do solely for your own pleasure. Have you lost touch with them? What can you do to reignite that joy?

2. If I had an entire day to myself with no obligations, how would I spend it?

   - Imagine having complete freedom to do whatever you want. What would your perfect "me day" look like?

   - This could be personal goals, passions, or even aspects of your personality. What has been left on the back burner, and how can you start to bring it to the forefront again?

3. What boundaries do I need to set to protect my time and energy?

   - Are there areas of your life where you're giving too much to others? Where could you set limits to ensure you're not overextending yourself?

The Power of Self-Rediscovery

Menopause is often viewed as an ending, but it’s really a beginning—a chance to rediscover who you are, separate from the roles that may have dominated your identity for so long. It's an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and to build a life that reflects your needs, desires, and passions.

For me, reclaiming my sense of self was a hard-won battle, but it has brought me to a place where I feel grounded, centered, and—most importantly—whole. You deserve to feel that way, too.

So, who are you today?

Take the time to explore that question. You may find that the answer brings you closer to yourself than you’ve been in years.

I would love to hear your answers to these questions. If you would like to share them, email them to me at [email protected]